One More Relationship: Respect

This is the second blog of three in the series of One More Relationship, inspired by what I learned at One More: Awana Ministry Conference 2011.

Last blog, I discussed the importance of consistency as one of three pillars in establishing a connection and maintaining a healthy relationship with your sons and daughters, or the children you work with. However, while consistency is one of the most important pillars, it alone is not enough. Remember, these pillars apply not just to a relationship between kids and parents, but to relationships between children and any of their adult teachers and leaders.

Respect

Previously, I mentioned the concept of teaching through how you act in front of your kids in different situations. Your actions are also important when working directly with the kids. Children tend to base their worth on how their parents and leaders interact with them. If you maintain consistence with discipline, lectures, and commands but neglect praise and acknowledgement, they may get the idea that they never do anything right, and it makes them feel that you don’t care to hear what they have to say.

I remember that as a child, every day after school, the first words I heard as I was getting in the car were “Hi kiddo, how was your day?” As I responded, mom remained actively involved in the conversation, asking questions about what I learned and how I was getting along with other kids, mentioning them by name. She opened the door for me to share about my excitements and worries, and it allowed us to discuss in more detail some of the things I learned, which actually helped me remember the information. And most importantly, this came as a comfort to me and planted a seed of confidence because my life was worth her time.

In the conference workshop “Teaching Kids to Listen and Follow Instructions,” National Center for Biblical Parenting speaker Meg Roundy provided a series of steps for both parents and children. She grouped the first two steps into a process of letting the child know you care. The first step listed is to physically get close to your child. We’re told in Proverbs 15:1, “A soft answer turns away wrath, But a harsh word stirs up anger.” Nobody likes being yelled at, whether it’s across the room or the house. Yelling causes most people to become defensive and less responsive to what you have to say.

“You need to get down at their level and look them in the eye,” Roundy said. “You can also use manners of touch, such as placing your hand on your teen’s shoulder until they are willing to pay attention.”

The second step Roundy discussed was to consider the timing of a discussion, lesson or discipline. Showing an interest in your child’s life also requires paying attention to their moods and actions. If the family pet just died and the child comes to Awana to be greeted with “you don’t have the week’s section requirement finished,” her esteem will plummet, her depression will deepen, and your ability to communicate with her will greatly diminish. Instead, pay attention to whether she’s sad or depressed, and offer to talk and pray about it. As with the child being asked, “how was your day?,” this communicates that the child has value, that praying for her and her family is more important than meeting a record-keeping requirement. With this method, however, make sure that at the end of the discussion or prayer you do gently address the rule or lesson you initially postponed, as that is still important and needs attention.

Establishing a mature relationship is especially important with older kids, and even adults. “You need to talk to the teen, tell him that you value an adult and honorable relationship with you,” Roundy said. This helps them recognize that you acknowledge that they are becoming older. You grant them a certain level of responsibility for their actions combined with some independence, and it encourages more respect in return.